(no subject)

[haveyourmoments]

Every day I wake up in my palatial bed with a renewed sense of regret, wishing that there had been any other way to save Alderaan other than agreeing to marry Isolder, my now husband, the Prince of Hapan. There’s nothing wrong with him, exactly, he’s polite and proper and beautiful, of course, with his long blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. He’s kind, and patient with me and never fails to forgive my temper, but somehow that oboe makes it worse, makes me feel like an unruly child instead of his wife, his equal.

He tells me that he’s selected a new pilot for my flagship, that this stranger will be my bodyguard as well due to the ongoing threats in my life and I do my best not to sulk, knowing I’m capable of taking care of myself, but instead nodding and accepting his unassuming kiss on my cheek.

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[going_solo]

“Your husband doesn’t do that for you?” I ask, and then immediately regret it.

[haveyourmoments]

I pause, considering how honest I should be, knowing that I should show some loyalty to my husband, but the loneliness wins in the end. “No, our lives tend to be very…separate.”

[going_solo]

“Doesn’t sound like much of a marriage,” and again, I’m pretty sure I’m about to get fired.

[haveyourmoments]

“I don’t know…” I say, drifting off. “I mean, I did the right thing, for the Alliance, but…”

[going_solo]

“But what?” I ask, equal parts concerned and curious.

[haveyourmoments]

“But I always thought that I would either marry for love or not at all, like my parents,” I confess, then quickly realize what I’m saying and start to backtrack. “Not that I don’t…Isolder loves me, even before he’d actually met me…”

[going_solo]

“But it’s not the kind of love that you expected?” I hazard a guess.

[haveyourmoments]

“No, it’s not,” I say softly. “I’m not…I don’t mean to be the girl that whines about a fairytale prince, and I’m not ungrateful.”

[going_solo]

“You can be honest with me.” I offer.

[haveyourmoments]

“I wanted the kind of love my parents have,” I say softly.

[going_solo]

“What’s that like?” I ask. I’ve never been in love.

[haveyourmoments]

“It’s…it’s how they’re two halves of a whole, it’s enough for my mother to risk her own coronation in order to marry a politician. They’re each other’s best friends, you know?”

[going_solo]

“No, I don’t know,” I confess. I think it’s incredible, of course, but it’s not like I can’t relate.

[haveyourmoments]

“I guess I don’t really know, either,” I say sadly. “I guess I never will.”

[going_solo]

“Maybe you just need to get to know the guy better,” I say, shrugging. Of course that’s not what I want.

[haveyourmoments]

“We’ve been married for two years,” I say, looking him directly in the eyes.

[going_solo]

“I didn’t realise it had been so long,” I say, backtracking.

[haveyourmoments]

“It’s alright,” I say, forgiving him easily. “I was young, and it wasn’t exactly a long engagement.”

[going_solo]

“You must have been young,” I agree. “You’re young now.”

[haveyourmoments]

“Am I? I don’t feel young,” I tell him.

[going_solo]

“You don’t?” I ask, curiosity piqued.

[haveyourmoments]

“I just feel so…tired,” I say, looking down for a moment before I clear my throat. “Sorry, I don’t mean to talk about myself so much.”

[going_solo]

“I don’t mind,” I say, sincere. “I don’t like talking about myself much, anyway.”

[haveyourmoments]

“Well, I appreciate you listening,” I smile softly, reaching over to squeeze his hand. His skin surprises me in its roughness, so unlike my husband’s, and I find it to be comforting.

[going_solo]

“What’s a pilot for?” I ask, squeezing her fingers back before pulling west, not wanting to cross any boundaries.