(no subject)

[haveyourmoments]

Every day I wake up in my palatial bed with a renewed sense of regret, wishing that there had been any other way to save Alderaan other than agreeing to marry Isolder, my now husband, the Prince of Hapan. There’s nothing wrong with him, exactly, he’s polite and proper and beautiful, of course, with his long blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. He’s kind, and patient with me and never fails to forgive my temper, but somehow that oboe makes it worse, makes me feel like an unruly child instead of his wife, his equal.

He tells me that he’s selected a new pilot for my flagship, that this stranger will be my bodyguard as well due to the ongoing threats in my life and I do my best not to sulk, knowing I’m capable of taking care of myself, but instead nodding and accepting his unassuming kiss on my cheek.

Comments

[haveyourmoments]

“I think…something is wrong,” I manage, feeling so many emotions that I can barely get any words out.

[going_solo]

I burst in, then, and the moment I see the blood and the amount of it I have an inkling what’s happening. “Oh, Leia,” I say. “We need to get you evacuated.”

[haveyourmoments]

“No!” I say, instantly starting to panic at the idea of being left alone in a clinic on some strange planet. “I…I just need something to clean up with…”

[going_solo]

“You could bleed out!” I say, not wanting to worry her but unable to stop myself.

[haveyourmoments]

“It’s not…it won’t. This isn’t the first time,” I say, starting to cry.

[going_solo]

“Isn’t the first time what, Leia?” I ask with a sense of urgency.

[haveyourmoments]

“This isn’t the time I’ve lost one!” I say, ashamed and hating that he must now see me as a failure just like everyone else does.

[going_solo]

“This has happened before?” I ask, eyes going wide with shock, first, and then soft with sympathy.

[haveyourmoments]

I nod tearfully, upset with myself, curling tighter into a ball. “I didn’t know.”

[going_solo]

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” I say, approaching her and sitting on the edge of the bed.

[haveyourmoments]

“Isn’t it?” I ask, giving him a look of surprise at his approach. Usually everyone just disappears, leaving me alone in a dark room like I’m contagious.

[going_solo]

“No, I mean - I don’t think so,” I say. “I think it’s one of those things that just happens.”

[haveyourmoments]

“You really think so?” I ask softly, looking up at him with watery eyes.

[going_solo]

I nod. “Yeah, I mean, it’s really sad when it does happen, but it’s… it’s not your fault, Leia.”

[haveyourmoments]

“Thank you,” I say softly, before I shift to rest my head on his shoulder, needing to be comforted.

[going_solo]

Hesitantly, i wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her close.

[haveyourmoments]

I curl against him carefully, my body and heart aching, letting him hold me as I close my eyes, exhausted.

[going_solo]

“Do you need something for the pain?” I ask softly.

[haveyourmoments]

“Nothing helps,” I tell him, my eyes staying shut. I know that this isn’t his responsibility, that this isn’t part of the terms of his employment, but I don’t move, soothed by his touch.

[going_solo]

“Do you want to take a shower?” I ask. There’s limited hot water on board, but I consider this a worthy cause.

[haveyourmoments]

“That would be nice,” I say, rubbing my reddened eyes. “Thank you, Han.”

[going_solo]

“You’re welcome, Leia,” I say, and I have so many questions but know they’d only make things worse. “You take your time, I’ll find a towel.”

[haveyourmoments]

I nod, heading off to the shower and taking my time, unbraiding my hair and washing it along with my body, using the floral scents that still smell like Alderaan, the ones I carry with me everywhere, and once I emerge I find a clean towel waiting for me, and it’s almost enough to make me smile.

[going_solo]

I hang around the bathroom in case she needs anything, but once she steps out in the towel I go into my bunk to wait.

[haveyourmoments]

I go back to my quarters, expecting to find him waiting for me, and I’m immensely disappointed to find an empty cabin. I start to tear up again, certain I scared him off, lonely once again.