haveyourmoments | (no subject)

“I -“ I get overwhelmed with emotion then, so much so that my throat closes up and my heart starts pounding.

She’s having a panic attack, I just know immediately, and I show her how to breathe.

I instinctively grab for his wrist as he helps me to breathe, holding onto him like a lifeline, hoping he can see the gratitude in my eyes.

“It’s okay,” I say, and I say it again and again, it could be a dozen times or it could be a thousand.

Truthfully, it’s not okay, but he makes it so, so much better than I’ve felt in a long time. Eventually I ask him in a small voice: “Will you hold me?”

“If that’s what you want, if that’s what you think will help,” I say, and then I lay down with her, arms around her.

I curl against him, too tired to wonder why I feel more comfortable in his embrace than I ever have in the presence of my husband. I sigh softly, my eyes closing as the aches start to dim.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I ask softly, not knowing much about women but knowing this must hurt in more ways than one.

“You are helping,” I murmur softly, inhaling his unfamiliar scent as I try to relax. “Tell me how you met Chewie?”

“Ah, we met at a cantina where his so-called master had him in chains,” I say. “I paid for his freedom, but he stuck around.”

“That’s terrible,” I murmur softly. “You did a good thing, freeing him. No one should be enslaved.”

“No, and not especially a guy like Chewie,” I say.

“I’m glad you found each other,” I tell him, tucking my head under his chin and hoping he doesn’t mind my damp braids.

“I’m glad we found you,” I say softly, so soft that it’s like a secret.

“Me too,” I say, just as soft, clutching at his shirt just a little bit more. “Me too.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “And if it’s not, we’re going to make it be.”

I want to believe him, more than anything, even though I know that I’m doomed to this life, that I’ll never be free to do what I want. Instead, I shut my eyes, and pretend that this is my real life, just for now.

I rub her back in circles, murmuring words of comfort.

“Will you stay here tonight?” I ask timidly.

“I will,” I say, locking my eyes on hers. A sky filled with stars, and all I was focused on was her.

I exhale with relief, tucking myself against him and pressing my nose against his neck. “I’ll never forget what you’re doing for me, Han.”

“Just try to focus on feeling better, okay?” I say, stroking her hair and wondering what the prince would think if he could see us now.

I want to kiss him, but I know that would be a terrible idea in this particular moment, so I settle for tilting my head up and letting my lips brush his throat softly.

I nearly keel over from the shock of a princess’s lips against my skin, but instead just lean into her, stroking her hair, telling her she’s safe.

I recover from my miscarriage as well as I possibly could, Han’s support helping more than anything else possibly could. I’ve crept into his cabin more nights than not, and he never fails to accept me willingly, but he also never pressures me if I keep to myself. Last night I’d slept on my own, falling asleep while he was still on night watch, and I wake up, frowning and cold, going to find him.