haveyourmoments | (no subject)

(no subject)

Every day I wake up in my palatial bed with a renewed sense of regret, wishing that there had been any other way to save Alderaan other than agreeing to marry Isolder, my now husband, the Prince of Hapan. There’s nothing wrong with him, exactly, he’s polite and proper and beautiful, of course, with his long blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. He’s kind, and patient with me and never fails to forgive my temper, but somehow that oboe makes it worse, makes me feel like an unruly child instead of his wife, his equal.

He tells me that he’s selected a new pilot for my flagship, that this stranger will be my bodyguard as well due to the ongoing threats in my life and I do my best not to sulk, knowing I’m capable of taking care of myself, but instead nodding and accepting his unassuming kiss on my cheek.

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"I would never hurt her!" I snap, absolutely livid that Chewie has turned against me. "I would never hurt anyone! But you better believe I'm done with the both of you," I add, and then storm out.

“Han!” I yell, about to run after him, but I find my feet stuck to the floor in fear, not that he would harm me, but that he’d well and truly left me after all.

I stash myself in one of my smuggling compartments, turning onto my side and hugging my knees to my chest.

Eventually he doesn’t reappear and I go looking for him, checking everywhere I can. “Han?” I call out. “Please, please tell me where you are.”

I curl tighter, hearing her call and feeling like I'm hiding from a bounty hunter and not the love of my life.

“Okay, I guess you’re not going to forgive me ,” I say softly, sadly. I walk into the cabin I share with him, and throw my clothes in a bag, preparing to walk off the ship.

I hear her and my heart breaks, and I scramble to get out of the compartment as quickly as my limbs allow. “Leia!”

I clutch at the straps of the bag nervously as he emerges, not sure at all how this is going to go. “What is it?”

“I would never hurt you,” I repeat from earlier, desperate.

“You getting high is hurting me,” I say quietly. “I don’t like you like this.”

“I don’t know how to stop,” I say bluntly.

“Okay,” I tell him, still clutching at the straps of the bag, realizing with a sinking feeling that this was always going to be too good to be true.

She’s giving up on me.

Like everyone does. “So that’s it? We land and you’re gone?”

“You said you were done with me,” I tell him, pained. “It’s okay, I understand that this is all my fault. I’m sorry that I overreacted, it just reminded me of…” I shake my head, not wanting to say his name.

“I just wanted to reassure you,” I say, so overwhelmed by all of this, not sure where to go from here. “I’m nothing like him.”

“You are nothing like him,” I reassure him hesitantly. “But you were also nothing like yourself in that moment. “

“I haven’t been myself since I got shot,” I remind her, but I bite back my anger out of fear my best friend, allegedly, will be coming into the room to snarl at me if I don’t.

It doesn’t matter that he tries to temper his anger, but it’s still obvious, I can still feel it radiating off of him. “Don’t you see? That’s my fault! This is all my fault!”

"You weren't the one holding the blaster, Leia! I don't blame you, or Chewie, or anyone but myself!

“I blame myself!” I yell back. “You wouldn’t have been there without me! It’s my fault, just like it’s my fault that I lost my babies, and it’s my fault that he hurt me!”

I don't know what to say to that, to such a degree of self-loathing. For a moment I just stare at her. And then: "That's completely false. All of it."

“Please just stop, Han,” I tell him, exhausted. “It’s- it’s fine. It’s all fine. I won’t stop you from using anymore.”

"I never said I didn't want to stop," I say, just as exhausted by the past couple of hours. "I don't know how."

“I obviously don’t know how either!” I say, frustrated to tears. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him, and things have only gotten worse.

I can’t bear to see her so upset, and I shake my head furiously at myself for letting it happen. “I’ll stop. I’ll just – I’ll stop.”