haveyourmoments | (no subject)

(no subject)

Every day I wake up in my palatial bed with a renewed sense of regret, wishing that there had been any other way to save Alderaan other than agreeing to marry Isolder, my now husband, the Prince of Hapan. There’s nothing wrong with him, exactly, he’s polite and proper and beautiful, of course, with his long blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. He’s kind, and patient with me and never fails to forgive my temper, but somehow that oboe makes it worse, makes me feel like an unruly child instead of his wife, his equal.

He tells me that he’s selected a new pilot for my flagship, that this stranger will be my bodyguard as well due to the ongoing threats in my life and I do my best not to sulk, knowing I’m capable of taking care of myself, but instead nodding and accepting his unassuming kiss on my cheek.

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“Then you need medical attention, not drugs!” I say, but my voice is shaking. I’m absolutely terrified.

“Drugs are medicine, medicine is drugs, what’s the difference?” I say, but I’m faltering seeing her so shaken up.

“It shouldn’t still be hurting,” I say softly, nervously. “I probably messed up before.”

“What! No. It’s not you, you’ve been – you’ve been for the best doctor,” I say.

“Obviously not,” I say, shaking my head as I wrap my arms around myself.

I scrub my hand over my face, frustrated, because she's not getting it. "It's not your fault. It's my fault. It's – it just feel so much better as soon as I get it in my system."

“But I thought I made you feel better!” I say, and gods, I start crying. I back away from him just a little bit more, miserably defeated.

"Where are you going?" I ask, grabbing for her arm desperately. "You do make me feel better, but you can't –– I was shot, Leia!"

I don’t mean to jerk back as violently as I do, but the second that he moves towards me it’s like I forget who he is and where we are. “Don’t touch me!” I scream, and in an instant Chewie appears, snarling.

I back up against the wall of the cabin, completely stunned.

Chewie steps in front of me protectively and I feel guilty for my reaction even as I press myself gratefully into his fur. He rumbles a soft question in my ear. “No, he didn’t hurt me,” I murmur.

"I would never hurt her!" I snap, absolutely livid that Chewie has turned against me. "I would never hurt anyone! But you better believe I'm done with the both of you," I add, and then storm out.

“Han!” I yell, about to run after him, but I find my feet stuck to the floor in fear, not that he would harm me, but that he’d well and truly left me after all.

I stash myself in one of my smuggling compartments, turning onto my side and hugging my knees to my chest.

Eventually he doesn’t reappear and I go looking for him, checking everywhere I can. “Han?” I call out. “Please, please tell me where you are.”

I curl tighter, hearing her call and feeling like I'm hiding from a bounty hunter and not the love of my life.

“Okay, I guess you’re not going to forgive me ,” I say softly, sadly. I walk into the cabin I share with him, and throw my clothes in a bag, preparing to walk off the ship.

I hear her and my heart breaks, and I scramble to get out of the compartment as quickly as my limbs allow. “Leia!”

I clutch at the straps of the bag nervously as he emerges, not sure at all how this is going to go. “What is it?”

“I would never hurt you,” I repeat from earlier, desperate.

“You getting high is hurting me,” I say quietly. “I don’t like you like this.”

“I don’t know how to stop,” I say bluntly.

“Okay,” I tell him, still clutching at the straps of the bag, realizing with a sinking feeling that this was always going to be too good to be true.

She’s giving up on me.

Like everyone does. “So that’s it? We land and you’re gone?”

“You said you were done with me,” I tell him, pained. “It’s okay, I understand that this is all my fault. I’m sorry that I overreacted, it just reminded me of…” I shake my head, not wanting to say his name.